julie_is_fn_hxc

how does such a good time with him always end up with me questioning everything about myself...? its like the mintue hes gone im super hard on myself for nothing what so ever, things are actually going well yet i cant wrap my mind around it, im just sitting convincing myself everything will eventually blow up in my face...again. ugh.

anytime ivan makes plans with me a night i work, i try to get out early so that i can spend time with him...then he blows me off. i dont know why i think it will change, it doesnt. at lease im going in early tomorrow, but its ufc, fuck my life, i wish i didnt need the money...

why the fuck do i always cut ties with everyone the mintue Ivan gives me any sort of atenttion? why do i let him do this to me and why do i always think it will be different? better yet, why dont i just stay away?

Hes dangerous, and hes not one to be tied down to one girl, no matter how much i wanna believe he will, but boy do i love the chase for some reason...

i'm bored of him. Hes a bit of a freeloader and i'm thinking hes got a drug problem he doesnt want me to know about. i know about it. sometimes i wonder if hes trying or if he knows hes the only person ive really got now days, now that the fakes and other freeloaders are out of my life, i guess somebody had to take their place right?

He lied to me, right to my face, he looked me in the eyes and told me everything he thought i wanted to hear. I knew it too, i knew he was lying the mintue i read the texts on his cell phone, i dont know if i was more upset that he was lying or the fact that i gave him the chance to keep lying to me. I just layed there, still as could be, no expression, knowing i was feeling all sorts of emotions yet not showing a single one on my face. Subconciously i wondered if he wanted me to cause a scene and show how i felt, but i just layed there blank not giving him the satsifaction of my pain. The only thing that surprised me was the fact that i didnt let him leave, instead after his speech of "oh no its not like that"s and "shes just a friend"s, i cracked a little. I guess it was the part where he said "i would never try to date anyone else because i know how speical you are and i would never wanna fuck that up, not for anyone." I dont know if it was the fact that i've heard that a million times before, or the fact that at that moment i knew that anybody who had to say that to me would never mean it, or maybe it was the fact that i just didn't wanna be alone that night, whatever it was, i threw caution to the wind and kissed him like it was going to be the last time i'd ever see him.

I let him stay that night, we talked a bit and finally went to sleep. I watched him get ready that morning for some big job interveiw, from the mintue i woke up that morning i knew it'd be the last time i was waking up next to him, i tried to enjoy it. there was nothing left to say, we both knew when he walked out that door that we'd never see eachother again, by choice at lease.

He kissed me on the forehead and then told me to call him or text him, I just looked away, let him kiss me and then opened the door. I closed it after he walked out of it, and out of my life, i watched him get in the car and drive away.

I don't know if i'm proud of myself or if I'm mad at myself, one for being nieve to the fact that i was forwarned about him yet still gave him a shot, mad that i let myself be open to be hurt again by someone who had way to much of a striking resemblment to the one who broke my heart, or proud of the fact that i got out early with a few scrapes and bruises and no perminate damage.

everything in life sucks again =(

the stores been closed, so im hurtin money wise. I sent off 75 bucks yesterday to kyle for half the holding fee on the apartment we wanted...rent went up 50 dollars so we no longer want it, so much for having a place before i get there. Kyle booked his ticket today to come home. only 21 more days now. i feel sane again. We had a hugeee fight the other night, we almost broke up, hes been going out alot, it drives me nuts, it makes me sad. I hate it. I need to start studying, and i need to start packing and i need to do alot of things. I need to convince my mom not to go away this weekend so we can have a freaking yard sale, i need cash soooo bad. sooo frusterrating.

im a bit stressed obviously. it sucks. what can i do though? well that im not already doing. I need to studyyy on my down time, but its sooo hard to get motivated to do that. ahhhh life, whys it sooo hard lately? blahhhhhh.

Mandis been stopping by lately and chatting with me while i do things, she was over while i got ready for work on saturday and yesterday she came by and hung out with me while i cleaned out my closet. I wont lie, its been nice, when its just me and her, its plesant conversation. Yes its different with us, not knowing all the details, and me not really agreeing with the way she lives her life, but we dont talk about the bad stuff between us, we just kinda bullshit around with eachother. 
 
 Yesterday Abby had called her while she was here, and told her to tell me she said hi after their convo was over, after being friends so long, i get a "tell her i said hi"....hm. Then she called back to say she was really bored and was just going to go hang out at mandis house, even though she wasnt there, no she didnt try to even hang out here, not at all, didnt mention it or anything, so we walked to Mandis. She showed me the house and Abby hugged me and told me its been forever...I'm well aware its been forever....shes the only who stopped talking to me and hanging out with me, i know how long its been. It was weird standing around talking to those two. Mandi was trying to make me feel comfy about stuff but Abby went about being selfish and kinda acting like us never hanging out didnt phase her, maybe it just really doesnt...who knows.

Eventually i left to finish up my room a bit....But walking home i couldnt help but sit and wonder what its like to be them, I can't decide if i Envy them or really pity them. I mean Mandi just moved back to Oxford, with her boyfriend, isnt going to school, doesnt seem to want to, doesnt drive, doesnt work, shes content just hanging out in oxford the rest of her life? Abby too, she works yeah but she had it all and passed it up, for NOTHING. I wonder if that eats her alive at night. I know i'd never be able to sleep at night if i gave up everything to be workin some shitty job and doin nothing. I wonder what they think of me leaving...

I have alot of questions im just too scared to ask them. It was honestly like hanging out with two complete strangers, when i use to not go longer then a day without seeing them, and i would never go a day without talking to both of them. I guess things change, and people change, and nothing can stay the same, no matter how good it may seem. I guess I should know to cherish the things i have while i have them cause eventually it will all just be a distant memory

I swear i have not forgot about Livejournal. Ive just been busy as fuck with work and trying to have a social life and trying to sort out this mess of a life i seem to have. I promise to work on it. I actually dont mind my job, Kaydee is cool, craigs not bad, and Scott..is scott lol. I like being around kids all day and i also like to feel like I make some kids day a little bit better. I cannot wait for my first paycheck honestly. I'm ready for some cash.
  I move in about a month. I cannot wait to get out of here and be in Seattle with Kyle. I really cant.
My birthday was alright, nothing too speical happend, I worked and i got some flowers from Sarah and the boy. It was the first time i worked on a birthday, it was nice to actually have to be somewhere though. I am always tired and sore after work, but our store is moving so i have the next 6 days off to get shit together for a yard sale and to figure out wtf i need to bring with me to seattle and wtf i can live without. ahhh craziness. 

 I found a condo i want, and e mailed the lady, hopefully she gets back to me soon, im in love with the space and would love to go home to that every single night.
  I had all the intension of writing a big long blog about how people change but i really donno if im going to get into that right now. Its a tough subject to start actually, cause lately i feel like all ive got is sarah and kyle, it seems to be how it always is though, i always just have two people in my life that i need, normally the man im dating and my best friend of the time. Its funny how that works out huh?

  Mandi came over today, it was my first time seeing her since like january. It was weird but kinda nice at teh same time, her and Don just moved in next door pretty much. Sticky situation since she seems to be living MY old life, where she sees abby all the time and is suddenly best friends with her, its cause they both love being fucked up so much that nothing else really matters to them, i got the sense that Mandi missed our friendship though, otherwise she wouldnt of come by and been so happy to be sitting and bull shitting in my living room. 
 Its weird when someone you use to spend all your time with for years at a time is sitting across from you and looks like a total stranger, its weird to not know everything going on in her life, its really weird to not be hanging out with her all the time, i miss it and i miss her but i have to let her lay in the grave she dug for herself.
  as much as id love to be cool with mandi again, i just do not see it happening, not when shes with that douchebag of a boyfriend shes shacking up with.

Abby has not said a word to me about hanging out, i always tell her to get a hold of me and she never does, i think itd be even weirder for me to hang out with her though, cause i feel way more distant from abby then mandi, at lease me and mandi had a vaild reason for not talking anymore, abby just didnt like that i was so close to sarah after they fought, it was never my business and sarah made it very clear she didnt give a fuck if i was around abby. It sucks she really doesnt want a damn thing to do with me after being tight for so long, one day i hope partying gets old for mandi and abby and we can all just go back to the good old days....yeah thats a laugh..

lifes been crazy. i got a job finally, thankkkkk god. yeah its a shitty one, working at Laze-R-race in the mall, but its a job making 7.50 an hour and i work tuesday-friday this week for training, the guys were all pretty cool and a job is a job, i have to make this work. I'm planning on moving to Washington, as soon as i can afford it. Kyle is my ticket out of here and Ive thought long and hard about it and i would kick myself so many times if i passed this up. I'm just going to work, and save, and study for the next few months, hopefully find some things that can make me some extra cash, we're suppose to be having a garage sale soon so hopefully i can sell some of my shit i dont need and make some extra cash.

i have been cutting back on shopping and not spending money on food at all, i have like 36 bucks saved witch is reallllly good for me. witch is bad but ive only been home a little over a week and sunday was easter.

Lifes been interresting. Alot is about to change. I'm preparing the best i can. I'll try to update more.

 

Nothing like the douche bag people i use to call friends to make me not wanna ever go home again. Yes its April fools day, and sometimes some of the jokes are funny, but most the time they are not. But what jokes my old friends are, they honestly are such fake people it makes me really sick. I dont understand the point of being nice to someone you dont like, I understand being civil to them, I understand not causing drama that isnt nessicary, but trying to be best friends with them after talking so much shit about them honestly blows my mind. I dont wanna be around those types of people honestly. I really dont.

Mandi is trying to be all tight with John, witch honestly wouldnt bother me if they didnt sit and talk alllllll kinds of shit about eachother, they were never friends, they both couldnt stand eachother and wanted me away from the other person as much as possible. Yet now they are buddy buddy and making plans and stuff, good for them, if i find out abby hangs out with them then shes dead to me, such a big part of me hopes that abby will stray back to me and be my friend again. I dont even understand what happened there, i dont understand how so much changed so fast, I dont know what happened to the abby i knew honestly. I feel like she died and I missed her funeral to be honest. Shes so far up mandis ass and her new boyfriends ass that she never even came to get the dress she wanted back from me. whatever, my mom knows not to let her near my room while im away.

I hate that kinda thing. I hate knowing i have to go back and see these people who use to be my BEST friends, and know there ignoring me for nothing. I dont care as much about Mandi honestly, she was a sucky friend, its just the abby thing that upsets me, knowing i didnt do a damn thing and this is how it is, makes me really sick. whatever.

I'm trying to sound busy again. Kyles mom and I went out last night to get beads and stuff from joanns, We got amazing beads and dropped more money they we should have, but were going to make some awesome things, hopefully tonight. i donno what my plans are actually, Kyles working again, and if he gets off early i think hes going to play hockey and im going to go watch that, but if he doesnt, i think were going out to dinner later on, personally im hoping for dinner. I like dressing up to go out, and i love eating so. I donno what the rest of this trip has instore really, I'm pretty sure tomorrow were going back downtown for the whole day to explore, and then this weekend is suppose to be beautiful, and i think sunday were going to see his dads hockey game.

Other then that stuff i have no idea. We talked last night about him comign back home, he said he wants to be back by the end of the month, thatd probably make my life so much better. I know him being home would be the best thing that could happen to me. I think he'd stay with us for awhile and then once he got a job, and I did, we'd find a place, maybe even with sarah and Isaac. I donno though, even talking about it doesnt seem real, I think of myself as a child still, thats why.

On the brightside of things, kyles dad is talking to me more. i'm getting more and more comfy here. I dont wanna leave.

This is probably going to be pretty long, ive had alot of things on my mind lately. I need a job, i need to look online and start applying places as soon as i get back. i need to work. I need to start saving up my money and not wasting it. i need all the help i can get, I need to get a study method down and not just sit here and bullshit my life away, i need to motivate myself and stick to it, i think if i got a job and got my shit together i could be better off, with us losing our house soon i gotta figure out where im going to go...and what im going to do, i dont wanna live with my mom still if my brother is going to be gone.

I donno what im gonig to do without him living with me, i know that i dont see him that much as it is but when hes actually not there...its going to be super weird. i think my mom put off us growing up on her, thats why my life is so weird. thats why i act all odd when i see a family being normal, or when i see two parents in love. Or a family thats parents dont drink everynight. i love my family and i love my life and im thankful for it, but its nowhere near normal. This entry is getting way to long but i still feel like i have so much to vent about.

I cleaned kyles room for him today as a nice little surprise for when he gets back. I dont think ive ever felt more comfy with somebody before. he just like...doesnt try and i like that, he doesnt try to win me over and he just does it, he doesnt cause big scenes when guys hit on me, but he lets me know it makes him jealous, he wants me to be happy and do well without bossing me around and tellign me what to do. He shouldnt live here, he doesnt belong here, he belongs back at home with me and his life. he hates it here, i can tell, i know he tells me he does but you can see it in his eyes too. Its wearing him down. me and his mother talked for about 3 hours yesterday about him and alot of the stuff hes been through or is going through. I give him alot of credit, hes been through some real shit in his life.

I wish that I had more friends. I wish i had a group of people who care about me. I never have though, ive always just had my really tight best friends, one or two, never really alot, anytime there was more then like 3 there was drama. I adore sarah and shes by far the more amazing friend ive ever had and everything but even she wishes we had another person to be super tight with. I donno, I know people care but itd be nice to have a group of friends to be around all the time.

Im running out of things to vent about, and hopefully kyles little sister and brother will be home soon and i can watch them play games or something. im really tired too. oh well. i feel better now

I made it, i'm in one piece. Thank god! I was tempted to text john and rub it in his face that im fine, then i remember how not worth it he is, and ignored it. Seattle is beautiful. I love it. I love being here, I love downtown, I love all of it pretty much. I don't care too much for the rain and the cold, but it hasnt been that bad honestly, Its been sunny 3 outta the 4 days ive been here. The sights are amazing. There is so much to do, theres so much youth around, theres so much to see, and so many places to eat. I love this place. The only thing I dont really care to much for is the drugs, they are huge here, and all the druggie kids i could do without honestly.

Oh well, Kyles been amazing. Hes actually working right now and I'm sitting in his bed wishing it was 8 or 8 30 so he'd be home already. I realized within the first 2 seconds of seeing him that leaving him again is going to be so hard. He honestly makes me feel so good. I donno what to do about that really...It scares me alot. Hes shown me so many awesome things and hes taken me so many places and hes done so much for me already. Its seriously so amazing. I donno what i'm gunna do till july when hes back in michigan with me.


Its been interresting not being able to share a bed, his family is very tradtional, its cute though, they go out and do the normal family things together, its alot different then the way i grew up, its a nice change though. I dont really think his dad cares too much for me though, but thats okay, im not here to really impress anybody. Its a little intimidating to be sitting in his house and him be right there and us not really talk and me know he doesnt really care for me. but its okay like i said, im trying not to sweat it, on the other hand, i get along with his mom really well so far, she understands picky eaters and such so it hasnt been bad at all.

I am not homesick yet. Not even close. yesterday we took a bus to downtown, it was amazing. Thursday we are going with his mom to work, she works in downtown, and were gunna spend the whollllle day there. I'm excited for that. I'm on a really good sleeping arrangment here too, i love that. I go to bed at a decent hour and can wake up at a decent hour. Its a nice change from 3 or 4 in the morning i go to bed at home and then the 1 or 2 in the afternoon that i wake up there.

i havent updated lately so thats why im trying to squeeze this one into a long one, that and im trying to make it sound like im really busy so that kyles dad doesnt really talk to me and i sound like im doing something important lol. There are really no words to describe seattle though nad my trip, its 4 days in and i dont really wanna leave at all. I sure as hell dont wanna leave kyle. Hes good people. I know he doesnt belong here though, he is no saint or anything but when hes here, hes an angel, everyone here is soooo big into drugs, and kyles not, and everyone gets fucked up allll the time, morning, noon, night, at work, on buses, alll over it doesnt matter, and kyle just doesnt.

you can tell it bums him out to see his good friend struggle with addiction. I know way to much about all the shit kyles going through with his friend. i feel bad and i try to help but theres nothing i can really do about it honestly. I donno. I guess its just one of those lessons you gotta learn on your own. Addicts are addicts and thats it.

5 more hours till kyles home, i think me and his mom are suppose to do errands together, she gets home in like...2 maybe 2 and a half hours. I hope at lease. I feel way to weird being in kyles house with just his dad. I'm ready for him to be home and in bed with me again. I'll try to keep this updated as much as possible while im here, kyle works tomorrow and he works on friday soooo im sure there will be more updates then. time to try to find something else to do to make me sound busy and to cure this awkwardness

im glad to be leaving, but of course i cannot ever look forward to anything, my mom had to let us know we're going into forecloser. AWESOME. it sucks but i guess its been along time coming, nothing like stressing me out more then i already am. great. ughh bad night. today/tomorrow is my moms birthday/ my last day at home. i've honestly got mixed emotions. fuck. hopefully i update more soon. i just dont know what to say right now honestly...

John flipped out on me today, not sure how he found out im going to see kyle, not to sure that i really give a fuck. He told me he hopes my plane crashes a few times, and that if it lands somehow both times he hopes i get mugged and pregnat, and he insisted on telling me that he cheated on me way more times then i thought he did, and gave me some names. I cared for maybe a mintue, I know i'm better off, im happy, it hurt to hear he cheated more...alot but, i hope for the best of him, and its good we are not talking, he needs do some growing up and i hope he does and i really hope someday me and john will be able to be friends, honestly. Somewhere in him....hes a good person, i know cause i loved that person. Oh well.

i leave in 11 days now, its after midnight so i count it, im scared and excited at the same time, im terrified to fly, john didnt help that. I'm stressed out about my eating habits. Not that i have a disorder or anything, its just that im super pickey, and dont eat alot of things, theres no burger king there i dont think, and idk, it stresses me out kinda. I donno, im worried about money too, we have like none...but im gunna try to make the best of it, kyle is terrible with money, seriously awful, but im hoping things just manage to work out, i also donno what im gunna do while hes working...and im just hangin out at his house lol. And i dont think we're gunna be sleeping in the same bed, his dad doesnt think its right since were not married...hopefully that changes....

Im so excited to go though too, im scared i'll never wanna leave. I have so much to do in the next couple days, i actually got some things done today, i cleaned my car more or less and i went running, i wanna start taking my dogs everyday. hopefully i can get my mom into it too, she needs it too. i wanna be healthier, when i come home from seattle im gunna start taking vitamins and im gunna study and im gunna job hunt, i promise. I really need to get my ass in gear and do some shit. ughh im trying. I dont think ill be bringing my laptop to seattle but i might...i havent decided yet, probably not though. hes got a computer so. whatever idk.  to much on my mind..ugh

Sarah and Kyle put their money together and bought me a ticket to seattle. i leave in 13 days, for two weeks =). they are the most amazing people ever. ever ever. im soooo excited

I need a fucking job more then anything right now. hopefully i motivate myself enough to go lookign this week, hopefully i can think of some places that might be hiring by monday and apply. I need to study this week. No more bullshit, i need to get in the habit and acutally stick to it. I need to stop bumming around and actually get my fucking shit together, im 19, almost 20 and i still dont have shit to show of myself. I need to get out of this rut, fer real. fuck.

ps- i manage to hurt aot of people lately, and fuck some good shit up, go me.

hes gone. =( suckyyyyyyyyy. best couple days of my life?

I leaned agasint him while trying not to cry today. We stood outside by my car. The air wasnt cold, but the breeze felt nice. I felt terriblely sick, I donno if it was me getting over the flu or the butterflies id had all the time he was around me, We kissed, a few times, and hugged tight. there were a few tears i managed to get out of the way, our eyes met,
"dont go kyle, please" i knew how cheesey it sounded then too.
" I gotta baybee (yeah he says it that way, it makes me laugh everytime) i promise i'll be back soon, i promise"
"I think i hate this..."
he hugged me after i said it. this was about twenty mintues after we'd broken into his old house, sat on the stairs, and the floor of his bedroom and laughed about the one time i was over there. We walked through the wholeee house and he told me so many stories.
I still stood agasint my driver side door, knowing i was getting my sweatshirt all muddy,
"anything you wanna tell me?"
"mmmm nope" he tried to kiss me
"you sure?" i asked trying to actually feel the words i knew where there
"yeah babe, anything you wanna tell me?" he asked
"mmm nothing i should" i replied
"im probably thinking it too..." he said, and i felt the progress coming along. i knew he'd say it. I opened my door with my hands behind my back and leaned away in a teasing fashion
"you know.....they say someone who says what their thinking regrets it for a mintues, and someone who doesnt....does forever, you really wanna regret it?" i sat back in my car and looked him dead in the eye, and rolled down my window. we kissed a few more times,
"JUST SAY IT, i know you want to"
"I dont know what you want me to say..."
playingg dumb gets you nowhere. i was begining to think i was wrong.
"nevermind" as i pulled him closer through my window. our lips met again, the passion between us is like fire, its not just pure sexual attraction, its the "i need you here please never leave hey we belong together" kinda passion. theres no other words for it really.
he broke away from our kiss, "I do love you...."
i sat their silent for about  seconds before i whisperd "you broke your promise"  after another 6 seconds passed by i finally said it, " i love you too"
then i had possibley the best kiss ive had in my life.

goodbyes suck. maybe its an "ill see you later?" i donno. i dont hold out much hope for things. im not a fan of let downs, speaking of, me and abby are no longer friends, shes realllly mature, ill get into that another time. expect more kyle writings. there were so many moments i wanted to write down and didnt, im sure ill remember more when i'm less tired. longggg couple of days. blahhh now to try to sleep...yeah right

ps- scanned this today. i miss youuuuu natalie

( For you natalie =) )

I need to remember he leaves tuesday. Hes to good. I guess every good thing must come to an end. SUCKY.  Long update soon. probably tuesday. I'm to tired now

kyle being in town is amazing. so much better then i thought itd be. Hes been really sweet to me, yet i dont really feel that attached to him, yeah it will suck when he leaves but im prepared for it. i think it may be the fact that he doesnt have to leave, hes choosing to, in my world and head that means hey i dig you but its not worth it, its cool dude. its nice while hes around.

I watched the candle light dance around my ceiling last night, i had lit a candle earlier in the night. I was laying in my bed, curled up in my sheets, watching the dim lights dance across kyle, he was sitting up, smoking a cig. I watched the smoke dance and fade into the dark, his whole body seemed to be glowing in the candle light. Hes beautiful. He put his free hand on my back and i layed on my arms, stomach down.
"youre beautiful you know that?" he spoke so softly
"yeah? well you've got a bad habit." i joked back.

I barely listen to kyle when he compliments me, cause they are always perfect. hes a sweet talker and i know it. i cant listen to him, i'll love him. he admitted to holding back his feelings towards me last night, and i dont blame him, im doing the same, but its actually working this time. Hes off getting drunk right now, in utica....when he said hed be here with me. its okay. i dont really care honestly. maybe i care a little. I donno. fuck it lol.

He slow danced with me today, he must have read it on my facebook, that or he was looking me deep into my soul. I'll stick with facebook. No, im not falling in love with this kid, i have love for him, not in love, no were not dating, i dont know what to call it, but for once in my life, i dont care

ive been non stop going since yesterday at like...4. I went with Sarah to her grandmas, met her amazing family, then we went to somerset mall, where i freaked out, lol and my heart dropped a few times thinkng i might run into Ivan. That sucked. It set me off into rants about him, i mainly just hate that its still an open book and i have no excuse for it not working out, i dont have any closure, he among others just stopped talking to me. fagggggg. Needless to say i couldnt pay atenttion to shopping, witch was probably good in the long run.

then we went to sarahs house and i did her hair, and then we went to the gas station, then to my crib, then we were on our adventure at 12 30 to flint o pick up Kyle from the bus station. I got my, out of the old movie romantic hug that i wanted lol. We got food and took him to my house where we all stayed up till sarah had to go to work. Bad idea. lol rediculously tired, i felt terrible for sarah. She left around 7, and then me and kyle went to bed, around 8ish maybe? i donno.

It was nice to have a warm body to cuddle with, its nicer that its kyle, and not the little box on my msn, that hes actually here and hanging out with me.  It was nice to talk too. After waking up at 1 and hanging out in bed for about an hour, i dropped him off at codys, went home, sarah came by and i made he go to bed in my bed while i relaxed, then we went to meijer,ashleys,sushi, and shopping. Im exausted. I am sick now too. I donno how or why it happend, could be from it being super warm and rainy yesterday to superrrrr cold and snowing today. fuck michigan.

plans the rest of this weekend/week? not sure. Kyle wants to hang out sunday monday and tuesday night, and take me to lunch wednesday. who knows if that will happen. hes currently getting really drunk. im sitting in my bed sick as fuck. hopefully im over this by tomorrow night and me and sarah can do something. it'd be nice to wanna dress up and look nice lol. i should shower too....

i think every guy that was talking to me....has decided its a bad idea, i havent really talked to any of the guys besides john...hm?